The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
