He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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