I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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