captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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