update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
