I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
