Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
