and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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