Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
