I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
