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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
