I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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