I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
