he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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