she smelled like a LAN party
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
