It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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