i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
