I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Boobs are out for the taking
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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