quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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