Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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