genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
