I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
