I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
