and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
