great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
