Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize