I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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