no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it's like iHOP with fire
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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