Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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