Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
