He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
