I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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