Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
