I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
