Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
