my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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