My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize