Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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