Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
