Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
