I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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