the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
