Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
