My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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