The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
