I think I won the penis lottery.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
