No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize