TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
