Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
