a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize