I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she told me i tasted like america
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
