Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
50% drunk capacity currently
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize