i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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