Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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