I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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