a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
And then he peed in my hair
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