your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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