You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize