in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
is wine microwaveable?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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