Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
