sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We got so high we made milksteak
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
