He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Two words: blizzard sex
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
