it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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