I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
