This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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