...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
